What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

Hey Everyone, (if anyone is still out here)

I realize it's been a long time since I've posted anything really funny and actually a really long time since I've posted anything at all.  I guess sometimes the idea that I will "blog" regularly means either when I feel I have time or when I feel up to doing so, and the truth is that neither of these has happened in a really long time. 

However, I've recently (slightly) embarrassed my eldest daughter on Facebook, so I wonder if I might continue to do so here. . . 

This past Wednesday, Chelsey, Austin, and Joel had dental appointments in Punxsutawney, PA.  (That's right folks.  Our dentist is a neighbor to that celebrity groundhoug, Punxsutawney Phil.)  

I Will Survive . . .

Hello reader . . .

Several people have asked me about how our son is doing post-Austin v. Tractor.  My response, though certainly not original has been, "He's in pretty good shape, for the shape he's in."  Honestly, that's pretty much how it is right now.  He's still stuck on the main floor of our house, unable to navigate the stairs either up or down.  He sleeps on a hospital bed in the corner of the living room.  He still walks, when he walks, with a walker.  He spends most of his day looking at four walls, when he's not watching tv or playing video games on an old cell phone.  He has a homebound teacher come and help him twice a week to stay current on homework and occasionally a friend or two stops by to just "check in" and see how he's doing.  So he's definitely not back to "normal" but he's better than he has been.

I know that all may seem gloomy but for us there are always the alternatives.  Once when Austin was in the ER for another, yet somewhat connected reason, (which I won't share publicly as it would embarrass Austin), the doctor looked at Austin and said, "If that tractor had been one inch higher, you wouldn't be here right now."  Translation:  "You'd be dead".

So on that day, just a few weeks ago, we could have lost Austin.  And so we just want everyone to know how grateful we are that we didn't lose him.  Yes, life is generally somewhat different right now, but this is all temporary.  Eventually, the pins that are in him and the bar that stretches from one side of his pelvis to the other side will eventually be removed.  Eventually, Austin will be outside again, running, jumping, tormenting his brothers and sisters, and doing the generally regular, normal, everyday sorts of things that 14 year old boys do.  Eventually, all things will be normal again.  So I guess you could say that Austin is singing a song made popular by Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive".

But since this is a blog for all things funny, please feel free to watch this video clip . . .

 

P.S. This is not Austin v. Tractor

Car 54, Where Are You?

I know.  I know.  It's been a while since I last blogged anything.  My sister-in-law said to me last night, "If you are going to be a blogger, you had better get started".  My wife looked at me and said, "Huckleberry Syrup"  was that the last time you posted anything?

So here I am again, back at it.  Of course, those of you who know our situation, understand why it's been a while.  My wife and I, along with four of our kids spent a week (seems like months ago) at kids camp with various churches from around the northwest region of Pennsylvania and while on our way home, got the phone call that our middle son was in an accident with a tractor, (for those of you who follow me on facebook, you know "Tractor 1 - Austin 0").  So while we should have been at home getting the kids ready for my personal favorite time of the year, "BACK TO SCHOOL", we were in between home and hospital.  (The kids are back in school for the 3rd glorious day of the year)

But as I promised to share those little things that make me laugh, I can tell you the whole experience at the hospital was certainly not missing moments to laugh.  I am convinced that the two things you need to make it through any experience in this world are faith and laughter.  Faith in God and laughter at nearly everything else.

On Wednesday night, the night of the accident, Austin was taken from the scene to the hospital by way of ambulance.  However, the hospital in our local community decided that with the damage done to his pelvis (crushed and/or broken), he should be flown to Children's Hospital, Pittsburgh.

Just a quick shout out:  This hospital was absolutely the best for us.  We were treated well, the nursing staff was great, the surgeon "amazing", and we would highly give this hospital, two thumbs up, except for one minor and potentially fatal flaw which I will describe after I tell you about Car 54. 


When I went on Wednesday night to Children's hospital, we rode in the grape elevators.  (You have to remember this is a children's hospital, so yes, grape elevators.)  And as we got off the elevators, I looked up (my dad taught me this, remember "Schindler's Lift"?) and saw that we were on Car 52.  I looked at the other 3 elevators and I saw car 50, 51, and 53.

So, of course, you know what I had to do.  I sang out the official opening line of this once popular, now almost forgotten television show, "Car 54, Where Are You?"  Most of you don't care at this point, but some of you will be pleased to know that I did eventually ride down on car 54.  It is there and I found it.

If you've read and interacted with this episode of this blog, you probably want to know what the fatal flaw of the hospital was . . .

Is it serious?

Does it require legal action?

Do you want to sign the petition?

Do you really even care?

Are you still reading because you think that I might tell you what it is this time instead of asking more questions?

Ok, I have to admit.  It's not really a fatal flaw.  But to me it was quite serious.  To my wife it was quite serious . . .

So, for real this time, really, here it is.

In the week we were there, walking the halls, going to the cafeteria, even spending one night at the Ronald McDonald House, we only found 1, count them, 1 coke machine.  That's right folks.  Are you as aghast as I was.  Are you angry?  Are you ready to picket?  It seems that the people who make the decisions at Children's Hospital fell asleep when they made the decision to sell Pepsi products instead of Coke, Coca-Cola.  I mean it is "THE REAL THING".  Can you even imagine how painful it was for me, a coke lover to be in pepsi land?  Trust me, for us, it was nearly fatal.  (On the plus side, there are rumors that the decision makers have come to their senses and are having negotiating talks with Coke.  Let's hope and pray they all turn out well, or at least better than the negotiations one might have with TSA agent while attempting to keep a jar of huckleberry syrup in your carry on as a souvenir.)

There are other things about the hospital I could tell you, but perhaps that would be a better story for another time.

Enjoy!

The Sad, Sad Tale of Huckleberry Syrup

Whenever you see the caution tape at the top of my blog, it means I'm doing a bit of ranting.  It's probably one of those things that we will be able to laugh at down the road but at the moment of writing it's like what a nurse says just before a shot, "now there will be a pinch and then a little sting."

My wife just returned from a work trip to Montana.  Her work covered all of her related expenses.  However, she did not have a lot of extra money to buy all of the souvenirs for me and the 6 kids, so as she spent time there she learned that Montana was famous for "Huckleberry Syrup".  It's described on the internet as a sweet, sticky, purple liquid.  It's used on pancakes, waffles, or whatever.  I honestly don't know.  I've never had it before.

Anyway, Thursday night, my wife packed her suitcase and her carry on luggage because she had to leave her hotel at 4:45 for the perfunctory two hour arrival time.  She flew on an airline who for this story shall remain nameless.  Now, quick question, "would you pack a glass jar of sticky huckleberry syrup in your suitcase and risk it being damaged by the baggage handlers would you keep it with you in your carry on?"

You probably know where this is going.  My wife packed her luggage and put the large bottle of Huckleberry Syrup into her carry on backpack.  Not a problem for her.  For the TSA agent working security "big problem".  If you have flown recently, you know that for liquids such as shampoo, conditioner, mouth wash, to be "approved" as carry on, they have to be less than 3 oz.  And her full size glass bottle of sweet, delicious (I'm assuming) Montana Huckleberry Syrup was larger than 3 ounces.

The TSA worker (who will also remain nameless, since I don't know his name) gave her four options:  1)throw it away, or 2)dump the syrup out and keep the bottle, 3)put it on as "checked baggage", or 4)take it back out and leave it in your car.  She tried to explain that this was the only souvenir she had from her trip to Montana for her family, that she didn't have a car she could put it in because she was going home and she wasn't going to pay $30 to check it in as a "bag".  And while he seemed apologetic, she was down to two options. . . 1)throw it away, 2)dump the syrup out and keep the bottle.

My wife being the great negotiator asked, "Can I dump out most of it so it's less than 3 oz. and keep the rest of it."  Response:  No.  So my wife took a completely full unopened bottle of Huckleberry Syrup and threw it away.  I wasn't there but I can imagine she shed some tears as she saw the only souvenir she could afford fall into a trash can.

Now, I've been thinking about this and the more I think about it, the more upset I become.  As my wife has said, "I'm glad that people are concerned about our safety" and I agree with her.  However, I have "googled" the following question, "how many attacks with huckleberry syrup have been in the news"?  The answer:  None (as far as I can tell).  If you happen to google it and find an incident worth noting, feel free to let me know.  I "googled" this second question, "what dangerous fluids does huckleberry syrup look like"?  The answer:  None.  Again, if you find evidence to the contrary, please let me know.

And it wasn't even the fact that the syrup was in a glass bottle because the TSA agent told my wife she could dump out the syrup and take the glass jar with her.  So you know what I "googled" next don't you?  That's right, "attacks with broken glass jar in the news".  Any of those?

Check it out:
http://www.10news.com/news/glass-bottle-instigates-attack-at-condo-pool-06162013
http://www.goldcoast.com.au/article/2013/07/31/455533_crime-and-court-news.html
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/teenager-serious-condition-after-being-3659146
http://northhollywood.patch.com/groups/police-and-fire/p/north-hollywood-patrol-officers-injured-by-glass-bott29a130cd11

To mention just a few.

So essentially my wife was told, sure take the glass bottle, an item that could be broken and used as a weapon onto the plane but pour out the huckleberry syrup that has no connection to dangerous activity at all.  Does that not seem strange to anyone else?

Leave the syrup, take the glass.

Can I propose a fifth option that could have and in my opinion should have been given?  What if my wife had walked into the airport with the bottle of Huckleberry Syrup in her backpack and the agent from TSA had said, "I'm sorry but you can't take this on the plane.  You have five options.  1)Throw it away.  2)Dump out the syrup but keep the glass.  3)Stick it in your car so you can get it when you come back, 4)Pay for it to go as "baggage" or 5)Go over to the kiosk for the USPS (United States Posal Service) and for a minimal fee, they can help you wrap your jar and mail it to your house. 

I imagine that not only my wife but thousands of other people who travel every year would appreciate the chance to use a service where when they happen to forget something in their carry-on bag that's against regulations, they can ship it on to their house via the USPS.  Not only that but it seems to me that this would be a win/win for the USPS as they look for ways to raise their financial revenues.  If you are interested in this, you can read this report from July, 2013.  http://www.fas.org/sgp/crs/misc/R43162.pdf.  The immediate benefit to the USPS would be that transportation costs would be limited to the delivery of the package and since airports are by and large run by local, state, and federal government agencies, the conflict of interests would be minimal.

Of course, the only downside I can see is if the postal worker goes postal.  But that's another story altogether . . .

  

And the winner is . . .

Thanks to all my Facebook friends for helping me come up with a name for my new blog.  As you can see, the winner is "Around the Horne".  Though I certainly enjoyed all of the names suggested, some of my favorites being, "The Horne Identity", "Ponderings of a Podunk Preacher(PPP)", The Bologna Blog", and "Tooting My Own Horne".  Also worth mentioning was the suggestion from a former professor/current friend "Horatio".  That one took me a while but I finally had an A-ha moment.

As I mentioned, this blog will primarily be a place where I will post some of the funnier things that happen to me and to my family.  It might include things seen, things said, thoughts had, who knows.

I told my wife I was going to start blogging and she said, "Oh, do something like Julie and Julia".  But I honestly have no desire to cook the recipes of Julia Childs.  I would like to write a book at some point, although my interests are so varied, who knows if, or when it would ever happen.  Maybe like the author of Julie and Julia, writing a little on a more consistent basis will "Get Er' Done" (Thanks Larry the Cable Guy for letting me borrow that and if I owe you some money, I'll send it to the pygmies in Africa).

Some commitments of this blog:

1.  This blog will be family friendly.  No cuss words here.  Please respect that wish in the comments as well.  Even if you completely disagree with me, please be nice.

2.  This blog will be funny.  That's the point of the thing anyway.  I may have a rant or two here and there but overall, I want this to be a blog you can come to faithfully for some comedic relief.  If I can't think of anything, I might point you over to my friend (ok, so not really friend or even acquaintance, just some guy I think is pretty funny in his own right), Tim Hawkins.  I have other Christian comedians that I enjoy as well and may occasionally bring some of them along.  Caveat:  (Big word which means, oh yea, but by the way, while I'm mentioning it, here is one time I might change my mind)  I do listen to lots of comedians but I like the Christian comedians best because I believe funny events in the lives of people stand on their own without a lot of the language that comedians in general tend to use.  (Again, I'll point you back to number 1).

3.  This blog will be updated.  (I almost said regularly, but who knows what regularly means).  I have no idea how often I will add to this blog.  I'd like to think I laugh once a day.  Maybe even twice.  I do have kids you know.  But there may be times I admit where nothing that strikes me as overly funny happens and so I will follow the sage advice of Mark Twain, "Better to keep your mouth shut and have everyone think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Well, I guess that's all I have for this portion of the introduction of my new blog.  Again, feel free to comment or not.  I'll consider your comments encouragement to keep blogging and the lack of comments a sign that I need to blog more.

Well, that's it.  You can quit reading now.  I'm serious.  Stop.  It's over.  Nothing else to read.